I have been spending too much time reading lindy blogs lately. I say too much because of the amount of time I’ve spent composing responses (and actually sending a couple) or wanting to compose responses.
There seems to be an excess of blogs right now about what follows look like, what they should look like and whether this has any relevance to choosing a dance partner. I think this all came from this testimonial (here) originally about how a larger lady has been finding it difficult and depressing to go dancing. And by the sounds of it, her experiences, it does suck. I can only take from her blog that which is written – I don’t know her or her scene. But, I still wanted to offer opinions, mostly similar to the comments written, about how attitude can make a huge difference. That maybe no one dislikes her but she has bad timing, or bad luck.
But the conversation has moved on (slightly) to many posts about how important appearance is, or should be, in dancing. And I have read enough comments and posts to want to say more than just how much you can write in one comment on another person’s blog. Particularly I want to address this idea that some people think its despicable to even consider how someone looks when asking them to dance. (I think turning people down is a separate issue, to be addressed below)
But the post that most made me want to write this: vernacular jazz. And the one she references, here "expert testimony"
Now I don’t know if I just read things differently than most other people, but I certainly read thedancingbug’s post differently than the other blogger.
Cos what I read was that the lead, knowing nothing of dancing ability, picked the pretty girl. I mean, why shouldn’t he. The only information he’s been given here is that one is pretty and one is plain. You’re gonna look at someone, have fun (hopefully) with them for 3 mins, why would you not pick the one you want to look at?
And then he goes onto say that sometimes its more fun to challenge himself to make sure he's leading really clearly by dancing with a beginner, rather than not challenge himself by dancing with someone who follows exactly but adds nothing to the dance. I don’t understand why so many people are getting so critical here. As far as I can see, his deciding factor here isn’t necessarily attractiveness, but actually how fun the dance will be. That having a beginner realise they can do stuff is fun. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. There is a stage when learning to follow when you do exactly what is lead and nothing more. And there is a stage when learning to lead where that is exactly what you want in a follow. But wouldn’t it get boring if that was all you got ever? Someone doing exactly what you want without even having an opinion? Doesn’t sound like a fun conversation to me.
As a follow, I like that I don’t have to make all (or even most) of the decisions on what moves or directions we’ll be going in. But dancing with someone who makes it hard for me to have any creative input is actually kinda naff. The most I’m likely to add is some random footwork or styling variations to try and follow the music. But I don’t wanna dance with resents my wanting to dance like me. How much more fun is it to dance with someone who sees my styling and thinks that’s cool, smiles and maybe even copies it. Or generally does a more exciting/entertaining/manly version of it.
So do I think the guy ‘interviewed‘ in the expert testimony is wrong, no not at all. The only problem I have is when choosing who do dance with only comes down to what someone looks like.
And I have a question for anyone who does think its despicable to even consider how someone looks when choosing who to ask to dance (please do comment, I am interested in the answer):
You want to dance, and you have 2 choices of who to ask. You can ask the hot guy/girl or the plain guy/girl. According to the definition of those yelling discrimination for considering hotness, I have no way of choosing between the two. If you don’t know anything about either of them, you haven’t met either of them, you don’t know how they dance, what do you have to go on? Only exactly what you see. So you pick the hot guy cos he’s hot. Or the plain one cos its less scary to dance with the not so hot one. Or you pick the one who has better clothes. Or better shoes. Or who smiles at you. As far as I can see, those saying that taking someone’s appearance into consideration are also saying that I would be discriminating by choosing for any of those reasons. So how exactly should I choose? I could choose the one that is closer to me. That’s not discrimination right. But what if the other guy is wearing an awesome top and I could say that as an icebreaker? Aren’t I then discriminating based on clothes? But if that’s my only icebreaker, and that could lead to a better dance should I do it anyway? I mean, isn’t the fun dancing what I came for?
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for destroying discrimination, but I think people have lost sight of what actually matters. Choosing who to ask to dance… really? If someone refused to dance with anyone who isnt small and blond, ever, then you could call them out on discrimination. But asking one person over another, there has to be a reason somewhere, it has to come down to something. So many of these comments flying around are just so unnecessarily harsh! Some days I choose dance partners based on their hair – if I’m the one asking, why shouldn’t I? There’s nothing else separating them.
On turning people down…
I am not the sort of person who turns people down. I was ‘raised’ in a scene where you don’t say no. in actual fact, I can think of 2 times where I have. One was a friend, who was being particularly annoying and I was being petty and didn’t want to dance with him. So I said no. on the grounds that he would still be my friend after, and I would dance with him at some point…
The other time seemed to have done more (unintentional) damage. I was asked to dance by a guy that I don’t know, but had seen before. He is not great at dancing, and seems to be quite shy. So why would I turn him down – mostly because I had just come off the floor after a couple of fast songs, and sat down with my fan and water. Did it cross my mind that he isn’t a great dancer and I am not fond of dancing with people who don’t seem to get rhythm, absolutely. Did it help that he talks quietly and I couldn’t understand what he was saying (I am English but live in Sweden and while my Swedish is improving some phrases I just never understand), no, but that alone wouldn’t have made me say no. should I have danced with him, just to save his ego, no I don’t think so.
I do think there are times to say no to dances. If I have just danced however many songs, or the music is faster than I can/want to move, then why is it better to spend that 3 mins or so trying to pretend its fun, or whatever, just because someone decided no one’s allowed to say no. don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of ‘don’t say no’, but it isnt entirely practical. I’ve definitely had dances where I wish the other person has said no! Cos you know what's not fun, dancing with someone who is not enjoying concentrating so hard because the song is too fast for them and then watching them mess up. You know what else is not fun, being pulled around all over the place by a lead whose solution to the song being too fast for him is for him not to move and me to run around all over the place. I do get that learning to dance fast requires practice, and starts with dancing badly to fast music while trying to work out how to do it better. And I am definitely guilty of having made it thru music too fast for me simply by being a far too heavy follow and making the lead move me. Which is why I think people should be less embarrassed and be ok with saying I cant do this yet.
Any other time where I have said no, its not been no so much as a postponed dance. if I am gasping for air, water or a lower temperature when asked I will suggest dancing the next song instead. And that always seems like a good solution to me.
But the idea that the original girl is commenting on is the idea of being turned down entirely because of the way you look. I have never seen someone refusing to dance with someone based on their looks. Nor have I heard of it in any scene I have danced in. which is not to say that it doesn’t happen. And yes that must be a horrible thing to experience. And its in those cases where I understand all of the angry comments about how appearance shouldn’t come into dancing, but for the most part, I think people are getting too angry with not enough reasoning.
Thoughts??
